I like to think I am a very transparent person, 99% of the time. I’ve always been open about any and everything…until recently. I’ve been kind of on a hiatus recently and I haven’t felt my best which has led me to become isolated the last couple of weeks. The constant crying, irrational behavior progressively got worse as the days went on I wish I had the answer as to why, but I don’t. I don’t like to blame the “issues” I struggle with on my diagnosis. Most of issues I do push through are emotional issues oppose to bipolar or depression issues. Yes, those emotions are heightened because of my diagnosis but they are not the sole cause. This is where the importance of self-care come into play.
The last two weeks I have been able to work through the emotions to help prevent my diagnosis from manifesting. I feel as if I have give my bipolar too much credit recently and it’s taken it’s toll on me.
I know myself better than anyone, but I also know know when it’s time for me to let others know when I’m not okay.
Security. The state of being free from danger or threat. Everyone always wants to feel safe and secure no matter the situation. Being impulsive and making irrational or “on the fly” decisions has become a recurring theme. That is one area I have recently been trying to take control of so, I have put my skills to use the past couple of weeks. For me security means consistency. Including sticking to a routine schedule especially in the morning and at night. It means being able to verbalize to family and friends that I am not well and might need a little more assistance than usual. It means knowing my limits and saying “no” if need be. It means continuing to value myself although my thoughts constantly remind me to think otherwise. Lastly, security means time. Daily, I chose to think about the pain less often. I used the pain to help motivate me push past where I was stuck. Over the last couple of weeks people have asked “What can I do?” or “What do you need?”. I rarely have an answer. But, deep down I just want everyone to give me time. How much? I’m not sure. Also, remember that “I HAVE bipolar” not “I AM bipolar” because it doesn’t define who I am. And not to hold things against me and that I have more to offer than these current set of symptoms.
Sometimes, I’m my own worst enemy, which clouds my judgement inhibiting me from moving forward. Slowly but surely I’m continuing to be my biggest cheerleader and advocate. Getting through this depressive episode has been tough especially not really knowing what triggered me. This break, I know, is only preparing me for my breakthrough.
I pray for security, peace of mind, forgiveness and self-love. I pray the Lord will guide my footsteps, my thoughts and my heart in the right direction. \